Truly a Soccer Mom.

I swore that I wouldn’t coach again this year. Yet….I’m coaching Jack’s team again. With the same co-coach as last year, since we get along well and our kids adore each other. Saturday was (finally!) the first day of soccer. No snow in at least a day or three, and some intermittent sunshine. Woo!

My day looked something like this:

9 am to noon: SOCCER
noon to 1:15: feed children
1:30 to 3:45: SOCCER

Oy. Not every weekend will be like that, thankfully. I had to be there early to distribute t-shirts for my U5 division, and then our U6 team had 2 games back-to-back. I took my co-coach’s kids home for lunch, and returned for Austin’s game at 1:30 (in the rain, ick) and his buddy Ainsley’s at 2:45 (sunny again).

I got a bit of a workout, seeing as we have semi-real games this year. I reffed the games with the other coaches, and spent 1/2 of each game being the ball thrower-inner/game starter. The kids were pumped and had a blast, scoring several goals on both sides. And watching Austin play in the afternoon was like watching a different kid. He’s gone from ignoring the ball and half-heartedly running after it to actively seeking the ball and moving it around the field quite well. I am SO proud of him!

How not to dial 911.

First, decide that the Panasonic cordless phone you have had since Christmas 1998 - good memory, eh? - is in need of replacement. Then, proceed directly to WallyWorld the next time you’re in BigCity. Once there, peruse the shelves, rejecting brands such as VTech (they make annoying kids toys, so how could they master a telephone?) and Uniden (uni-who?). Settle upon a set of GE cordless 5.8 gHz phones.

Return home with said phones, and retire the trusty, but old, Panasonic. Enjoy the new phones and all their splendour for several months. Have vague pissiness about the “can only use one phone at a time” feature that these new things seem to have.

As the one-year mark - surely, the limit of whatever piss-ant warranty GE might have provided - approaches, realize that one phone is possibly possessed. Either that, or it’s just fucking with you. Dialing out? A crapshoot. Answering properly? Not always going to work. Realize that the phone is slowly dying, but it’s not that bad. Decide to live with it for now, using the good phone for most calls.

Wake up last Friday and decide to call Karate Mom/Friend to see if Austin will be riding the bus to her house and proceeding to class. Dial her number, which looks something like this: *9*-1122, using the Crappy Phone.

Reach 911 operator instead. Try vainly to explain to dispatcher that you did NOT dial 911, and that NO, nobody is being beaten, killed, maimed, burned or flayed at your home at that very moment. Confirm the number you ACTUALLY dialed. Realize that Crappy Phone has now turned into Evil Incarnate Phone.

Hang up, curse violently at phone. Vow to disembowel it forthwith.

Call Karate Mom/Friend from the Good Phone, confirm plans. Answer phone when it rings almost immediately after hanging up. Explain to RCMP officer that NO, you did NOT dial 911. Mumble something about a faulty phone. Assume the matter is closed.

Leave for work. Drop kids at daycare and proceed to office. Debate answering phone before office is actually open - lose debate and answer it. It is your mother-slash-roommate-slash-employee. The RCMP have arrived AT YOUR HOUSE. To check to see if anyone is being maimed, flayed, burned, killed or otherwise injured at your home, even though you kindly explained that NO, you did NOT call 911.

Thank mother for telling officer that Evil Incarnate Phone will be removed from the premises shortly. Tell story all day long, still in disbelief that the phone could be such a piece of shit.

Only in my neck of the woods…

….is it possible to follow up the “I hate snow!” post with a report on my sunburn. Yes, indeedy. I have a sunburn. My left arm and the left side of my upper chest took the brunt of it - perhaps sitting my chair to read a book and watch the fire die down was not the best idea. I spent part day burning dead trees (something else that’s getting old), but for once it was sunny. And warmish. The kids were their ever-helpful selves, which means they rode their bikes, brought out all the big toys from the backyard, ignored my requests to help, etc. You know, the usual. D didn’t make it home this weekend, so I could only do so much. He is in charge of the chainsaw; although I can use it, I certainly can’t start the damn thing.

Miss Fat Dog took an unscheduled trip to the vet yesterday. She has calluses on her elbows, mostly because of her weight. She lays on the floor, which puts pressure on them, blah blah. Well, one of these calluses has been damaged, and she bled all Friday night. Not much, but enough to stain the bedroom carpet, and enough to make me worry. She was not thrilled to go to the vet, but she survived. Of course, I got the vet call, and he used that slightly condemning tone that some doctors and vets seem to master. Goldie “has to lose weight”, should “sleep on a softer bed” and “is in dire need of a dental cleaning.” At the risk of sounding like a heartless bitch, does he really think I’m going to drop $300 on a dental cleaning for a dog that is likely at least 11 years old? Oy. And the weight thing. Well…she’s currently 97lbs, which is probably 20-30 lbs less than when she first came to us. I have tried to walk her, but it breaks my heart to see the stress it causes. Yes, I know it would get easier if I kept the walking going, but it’s hard enough to find time to walk myself, let alone a dog. And the softer bed? I made her one, and she won’t fucking lie on it. She likes to be as near to me (or D) as possible, which means the floor is it. Her new bed of pillows & blankets is right next to my bed, but she is making a point of cramping herself into the spaces left beside it. I think it’d be pretty tough to teach her to sleep on the bed….she wouldn’t even get on it for a treat!

So. I’m going to be a bad dog owner, and let her cruise for a while. The best part of this is that her bloodwork came back totally normal. No kidney issues, no diabetes, etc. I was actually a bit surprised by that one, but it’s good news. For now, she’ll continue as usual. I’m going to try & walk her as often as possible - just up & down the driveway should help (it’s 100 metres long).

Damn. Gotta go. Kids are in the tub, creating a new mess for me to clean up. Little do they know that bedtime is 8 minutes away.

This is getting old.

It has snowed here almost every day this week. Hell, for the month of April. Today, May 1st, we woke up to yet another dump of the white shit. I’m having my winter tires taken off today - I’m illegal as of last night. Funny, I suppose our government assumed the fucking snow would typically be GONE by May 1st. Silly of them.

There is one small upside: soccer has been delayed a week. This helps me immensely, considering I just confirmed all my coaches two days ago, the t-shirts aren’t in, the jerseys will be late, and none of the teams in either of my two divisions have their actual equipment. I’m not the only one doing the last-minute scramble, which has alleviated my guilt.

Other things I think about posting, but cannot find the time:

- I participated in a soccer coaching clinic on Saturday evening. What a workout!
- Soccer clinic + burning trees for 4 hours on Sunday = one sore ass & two sore legs.
- My computer. It’s screwed. I need to get it to a repair shop soon, or I’m going to drop-kick the damn thing.
- Computer again. I managed to delete all the accessories AND games on the weekend, in a vain attempt to remove Internet Exploder, which I blame for 92.4% of computer problems. I do NOT use the program, but it’s there, and it’s fucking with my karma.
- I am having an internal debate about my oldest cat and the fat dog. Cookie (cat) is almost totally blind, losing weight slowly, generally cranky, and prone to living under my bed for days at a time. Methinks this is not a great quality of life. Goldie (dog) is old, probably arthritic, and tends to go through bouts of using my living room as her personal bathroom. During those times, I am certain she needs to go. Then I give her an anti-diarrheal med, things improve, and I like her again. GAH.

Ok. Brain hurts. Thank god April is over.

Double Digits.

As of 7:30 (ish) pm last evening, D & I have been married for 10 years.  (dumbass argued with me about the time of our nuptials - like HE remembers)

TEN. YEARS.

It hardly seems possible.  This officially makes us Old Married People (OMP).  How…weird.  I find it amusing that I can sail through life with a mental age of approximately 22.43, yet my body keeps aging (read:  ass keeps expanding).  And my kids keep growing.

Gawd.  Ten years ago I was pregnant with Austin, and heading off on our (free) honeymoon.  We lived in a crapulent rental house that reeked of heating oil and was oddly designed.  Yep, 1998 was quite the year.  We got married, D lost his job, I went on maternity leave, D found a new job, and Austin finally deigned to arrive, after much coercion and a surgeon’s intervention.  That year makes me laugh and cry all at once.

Wait until November, when Austin turns 10.  It’s possible I may require sedation.

Amusement, courtesy of thievery.

You.
Can.
Only.
Type.
One.
Word.

Not as easy as you might think.
Remember: one word answers.

1.Where is your mobile phone? purse
2.Your significant other? asleep
3.Your hair? ponytailed
4.Your mother? loud
5.Your father? alone
6.Your favorite thing? kittens
7.Your dream last night? blank
8.Your favorite drink? vodka
9.Your dream/goal? money
10.The room you’re in? living
11.Your ex? unsure
12.Your fear? fire
13.Where do you want to be in 6 years? here
14.Where were you last night? bed
15.What you’re not? stupid
16.Muffins? rhubarb
17.One of your wish list items? Volvo
18.Where you grew up? Vancouver
19.The last thing you did? ate
20.What are you wearing? pajamas
21.Your TV? HGTV
22.Your pets? annoying
23.Your computer? vital
24.Your life? busy
25.Your mood? neutral
26.Missing someone? sister
27.Your car? Caravan
28.Something you’re not wearing? bra
29.Favorite Store? IKEA
30.Your summer? travel
31.Like someone? sure
32.Your favorite color? red
33.When is the last time you laughed? Friday
34.Last time you cried? unsure

Thanks, Candy. I needed something fluffy.

Snow, inappropriate words, and the longest bus ride ever.

Last I checked, the calendar said April. I’m right, aren’t I? Unfortunately, Mother Nature seems to be on vacation - somewhere warm, I’m sure - and Old Man Winter has been able to hang around like a nasty cold. I’m REALLY tired of winter. Especially the SNOW. Oy.

Our trip to Calgary last weekend was great, aside from all the sitting my ass got to do. 11 hours to Calgary, sitting on the bus. 9 hours at the competition, sitting on a crappy chair. Another 11 hours home on the bus, sitting once again. My ass went numb in ways I never knew were possible. I’m convinced it’s a little flatter than before - luckily it’s fat enough that it’ll come back.

Austin did well in the competition (no medals), and wants to go again. I even managed to watch him in kumite (contact sparring!), which he enjoys.

I’ve been sleeping a lot this week. 8:30 is the new 11 pm, at least for me. Must be the WEATHER, my new scapegoat for all things annoying.

I just have to share a Jack funny from the other morning. He was looking for one of the cats, and decided that calling out, “Here, pussy! Come on, pussy!” was just the thing to get her attention. I was slightly amused, up until the following came out of his mouth:

“I like pussy. Here, pussy!”

I dare you not to laugh.

OY.

Once again, the month of April is kicking my ass.

Too much going on, not enough time to do it. Tonight is packing and phone calls. OMG, the fucking phone calls. I am coordinating two divisions (yes, am dumbass, thanks for the reminder!) and trying to be perky! convincing! and persuasive! in suckering other parents into coaching. Going semi-well thus far, but for all the sucky-ass voicemails I’ve left. One division is teeny, with a mere 3 teams, so it’s not that bad.

The kids & I are off to Calgary tomorrow for A’s karate tournament. Woo! He’s so freaking excited. I’m looking forward to the tourney, but not the 12-hour bus ride (the club chartered one because it was easier) with all those kids. And several parents I barely know. Thank god my good friend and former daycare provider will be there.

Wish me luck.

Random brain farts.

Driving 700 km in two days takes a lot out of a person.

I’m surprised that the howling wind outside my hotel room didn’t keep me up.

Room service?  ROCKS.

Room service?  Holy overcharging, Batman.

That bastard Murphy was all up in my shit today:  son #1 woke up barfing (while I was 300+ km away), which meant I had to have my mom stay home with him, which put my office at 50% of normal staffing.  Of course, this also meant that the remaining staff got pounded with business today.  Oy.

I can’t believe nobody noticed how sticky the puked-on bathroom floor was.  Ewwww.  Austin did a fine job of cleaning up, he’s just got to learn to do the whole job.

Why the fuck do I have zits at 34?  Fuck off, already.

A stellar day.

It’s Friday, which is always nice.

My niece was born today. Yes, a GIRL!!! To love & spoil, something I do very well. I feel for my sister in law, though - she had an experience much like mine with Austin. Many hours of labour, followed by the dreaded c-section. I so know how she feels right now: LIKE SHIT.

Austin is at a rock concert. Yes, we have those in Buttfuck, BC. Fancy that! Jack & I went out for a fancy dinner at A&W, then went browsing at the clothing store. I got him & A some new undies - boxer briefs all the way - and we came home. Spent a couple of hours indulging my inner pyromaniac (muahahaha) and taking care of some of the damn forest that is laying on my front lawn. Argh.

Funniest moment of the day, while driving home from town after dinner & ginch-buying spree:

Jack: I wish I was 20.
Me: Why’s that?
Jack: Because then I could get away from YOU! (giggling)
Me: What?! Why do you want to leave me?
Jack: Because. You don’t buy me TicTacs. (laughing)
Me: OH. Well. I guess I could sometime. (laughing)
Jack: OK.

He’s a pill, but a funny pill.