In the end? Just a whiner.

That’s me. The Whiner.

April is kicking my ass. Gawd, I’m so tired of these puny winter/mud/spring months kicking my ass. I’m even more tired of that phrase. I need a new one. Bleh.

It’s been an interesting month. SoccerWorkSoccerWorkSoccerWorkSoccerWork. Someone help me off the merry go round, I’m going to vomit. Work has ramped up considerably, and the new girl is fitting in wonderfully. Plus, since I poached her from That Other Place That Does What We Do, she’s got the goss. At least a bit of it. Whee!

Soccer. Don’t even get me started. I should just go back to April 08 (and maybe 07?) to revisit the joy that is soccer team sorting. Attention PARENTS: someone needs to nut the fuck up and BE THE COACH. Seriously. I could give two mouse shits that you’re “willing to help” but are “too busy” to coach. Do you think I’m not busy? That none of the other VOLUNTEER board members aren’t fucking busy? Oh, hey, maybe that board position is a year-round JOB unto itself. Nah. Couldn’t be. It’s “just” soccer. (aka the biggest sport – yes, even over hockey – in our little Canadian town.)

This weekend brought my husband home (rowr), and saw the demise of one of our satellite receivers. It was not a natural death, I’m sad to report, and involved hot chocolate spilled in a most unfortunate manner. As a nice surprise, it was not my kid who did the damage. And while I’m not willing to harass them in any way, I’m fairly sure the offending child’s parents will buck up & replace it. I am also willing to try & revive it. You never know, maybe hot chocolate and smoke do not a busted receiver make….

The kids are good. I am a slacker mom, and have not emailed my MIL the photos I promised. The ones my kids took are rather godawful. Closeups of noses, blurry faces, the works. Gotta redo those sometime.

In really exciting news, I’m off to have a mole removed tomorrow. It’s not a Bad Mole, just a mole that survived two pregnancies and is much the worse for wear. If only the rest of the crap left from pregnancy were so easy to remove.

Boys

We have a couple of *ahem* *cough* those magazines in our bathroom. My husband is somewhat prudish, and as far as I know, these are the only two he ever bought and/or borrowed. I don’t have an issue with them (or with pr0n, for that matter). In fact, I’ve been known to peruse the articles and the photos on occasion.

I knew the day would come when one of the boys would discover these magazines, but they’re hidden, and I seldom remember they’re in the house. Yesterday was that day. Problem is, my kid isn’t savvy enough to know the golden rule of Secret Girlie Magazine Viewing for Young Men:

Put the magazine back exactly how you found it.

Yeah. He’s not exactly stealthy. The stack was all messed up, with the offending magazine on top, the spine was facing out, and about a 1/4 inch of the edge was showing.

NOT how I left them the last time I cleaned and realized they were still there! (spine to the back, at the bottom of a pile of boring political mags)

I returned the magazine to its original position last night, and waited. Sure enough, it was all screwy again tonight. I asked him point-blank about it. We were on the way to karate, and he was unable to escape:

Me: So…..have you been enjoying the magazines in the bathroom?
A: (blank look, semi-convincing) Huh?
Me: (eyebrow arched) Don’t “huh” me…you know what I’m talking about.
A: (oh shit look on his face) Uh…..god, I’m so stupid!!
Me: Why? You’re just being curious.
A: Yeah, but now you’re mad at me. And I’m stupid.
Me: (fighting urge to tell him the only stupid thing was not hiding the evidence) No, I’m not mad, and you’re not stupid, you’re just being a boy. Heck, I did the same thing as a kid, but with my dad’s magazines*.
A: Oh.
Me: So, what did you see?
A: I read some articles…
Me: (howling on the inside) Really? Well, since those articles can be a little bit graphic for kids, I’d appreciate it if you stopped reading them.
A: Ok.
Me: Do I need to move them to a better hiding spot?
A: Probably.
Me: You think you can’t keep away?
A: (nods) You should move them.

The boy gets points for honesty.

*Yes, I did look as a kid. Bet you did too. I still think I got away with it, at least for a while. One day, they just disappeared.

On children, mud and shop vacs

Children and mud seem to have a magnetic attraction of sorts. Mine enjoy bike rides through the mud puddles, now that the majority of our snow has melted. The downside is the mess. The upside is I don’t have to convince them to shower.

This morning, before I’d even had breakfast, I was out in the garage. Spring has sprung, and I am TIRED of the clutter. My trusty new wet/dry shop vac at my side, I cleaned and vacuumed, and it’s getting there. Not perfect yet…there’s still a bunch of ice right in front of the garage, and as it slowly melts, people track it in. Fun times.

As a bonus, I took my shiny new sledge hammer to the ice blocking one side of the garage, and can once again access the garage fully. First up: big load of crap to the dump. Second up: BBQ something!

I’ve made several notes to self for next winter:
1. do not run extension under garage door for block heater. it will get frozen into the ice, guaran-damn-teed.
2. ask the snow plower to please not pile the white shit up in front of the garage in any way, shape or form. it will morph into an impenetrable berm of ice by February, and cause me to turn into a screaming lunatic when the ice from the roof is melting and can’t go anywhere.
3. install eavestroughs on the garage roof. previously unable to do this, because snow on a metal roof? FALLS OFF. VIOLENTLY. now? snow keeper-uppers work like magic. just need eavestroughs.
4. beg parents to sell/give me the insta-garage they bought. install it as close to the house as possible, thus preventing snow plow dude from even thinking of piling up the white shit where he shouldn’t.
5. have husband fix the tractor, and confirm that the parents are going to leave it to us upon their removal to parts south of here. (who needs a tractor in Vancouver? not them!) learn to drive said tractor, thus removing all need for snow plow dude – I can do it mah-self!

In other news, my horoscope went on & on about the full moon being in my sign this week, and to watch out for issues on relationships. Too bad they didn’t mention it would be strictly mechanical relationships. To wit: I managed to overlow the toilet AND break the sink drain this week. Haven’t mentioned the sink issue to the husband yet – my dad’s going to help me fix it tomorrow. Really, why say anything? It works, it’s just a bit…um…leaky. Hence the bucket.

I done lost mah shit.

I’m not sure I can put into words the shit that I have had to wade through the past four days.

It all started with the big fuckup on a client file. Fault? Well, that lies squarely with yours truly. Yes, I am human, and I make errors. Thankfully, it was not an “OMG, I have to cough up ask my boss to cough up several thousand dollars” kind of thing. Although, it wasn’t looking good there for about 20 minutes.

The shitstorm continued with another file….one that did not involve my errors. No, it involved the errors of others. I’m talking fuckup upon fuckup here, people. It was BAAAAAD. If it wasn’t one fucktard at a company, it was the fucktards at the other company.

An example:

Call Company A to check the record on Company B.
Be informed that Company B does not exist.
Think: Hm. Those people I talked to at Company B sure seemed real.
Call Company B, tell them Company A says they don’t exist.
Throw Company B into a full-on tizzy. Have them call multiple times and explain that yes, they do exist. In every damn province in Canada, as it turns out.
Wait two days.
Call Company A again, on a whim. I’m whimsical, if nothing else!
Be informed that lo and behold! Company B does indeed exist.
Ask Company A why this couldn’t have been confirmed 2 days prior, when the information would have helped me meet a fairly glaring deadline.
Company A: Wha?

This scenario occurred at least twice in 3 days, and it all surrounded one fucking thing I was trying my damndest to get finished for a client. I am so tired of getting different goddamn answers from the same departments at one company.

The worst part? By this morning, when I was mere steps away from getting the SHIT off my desk, I was out of patience. A snippy comment by one of my staff set me off (although I hid my reaction…sort of). Then I found an error by another person, and when I asked her to fix it, the same staff member made another snippy comment without even understanding what the fuck I was talking about. It must have been too much like the bullshit I’d had to endure the past 3 days, and I lost it. I think I almost yelled.

I don’t yell at work. Scratch that. I yell at work, but not AT MY STAFF. I save that for the kids. Because that’s how much I love them.*

*sarcasm intended here. fuck off if you think I’m serious.

Wherefore art thou, Spring?

Seriously? Where the hell are you? I know I live in the north of BC, but come on. Freezing temps every night, snow almost every day? I’m so OVER it.

In other news….the waiting is over. I have successfully hired a new person, and my mother is back to being just my mother. Whee!

Happy April Fools’ Day!